Depression

You may have noticed from yesterday’s post that I am in my depression. It came on quickly, though I shouldn’t be surprised, since it’s that time of year.

Depression is never easy. The holidays are harder for many of us. This year, since many people are isolating it may be even harder. Please check up on your family and friends, especially if they live alone. Just reaching out may make a difference. I see you and I hear you!

I wrote a poem which I shared on my writing website Rita L Smith. Sometimes it can be an emotional catharsis to write out your feelings.

Here is the poem. I hope reading it reaches those who need to hear it. I hope you realize you are not alone and that I see you.


Is Anyone Listening?

I am screaming, but no one hears!

Tears roll down my face, but no one sees!

Do I have a voice?
Am I invisible?

Why are my desires less than yours? I have given all I can. There isn’t anymore. I feel empty. I feel drained.

I am no longer able to give. I feel like I am drowning in my pain and no one sees.

I am choking.
I can’t breathe.


I think I am dying a slow death. This must be what death feels like. No that’s not right. Death is a release from this pain.

I am tired of fighting through the fog. Though I know it’s only temporary. I am just wondering why you don’t see me?

It makes me wonder if I miss others pain. Does it make us uncomfortable? Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you feel as helpless as I do when I get into this hopeless state?

The next time you see me. Put your arms around me. Believe me all I need to know is that I am still here.

Depression is not easy to live with. I imagine it’s harder to see, but please don’t ignore it. I don’t want to disappear. I feel as if I have disappeared.

Rita L Smith

December 21, 2020


Love, Peace and Light! Rita

https://mycrazylife2go.com

Hard Days Ahead

My Aunt died on the 19th. The 20th is the anniversary of my 2nd husband’s death. I am struggling. Usually I can put my smile on and get my game on, but I just can’t right now.

Maybe only temporarily… I found my eyes leaking quite a bit. The sad thing is no one noticed. Am I supposed to tell when I am struggling?

I just played my game… and played and played… Wordscapes tournament. Yesterday morning one of my teammates said I hit 5000, I don’t know what I had by the end of the day.

I needed companionship, but my husband went to his folks all evening. He didn’t notice I was struggling. Only the cat who sat on my lap for 2 hours straight. Blaze never sits on laps.

Though it Christmas I don’t feel joy. I am not leaving my house. It’s too risky. I need to snap out of this funk.

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

https://mycrazylife2go.com

Covid

Losing people during the holidays is difficult. Losing people to Covid when it could have been prevented by staying home, wearing masks, washing hands and not gathering is hard.

My Aunt died after contracting covid when her adult children gathered from different states to help her move. I don’t know who had covid first. It really doesn’t matter. All I really know is that my aunt is gone.

Yes, she was 90 and it was inevitable, but was her death hastened on by contracting a virus she was exposed to back in October?

Last month she had a stroke. Tested positive for covid. (She hadn’t been tested prior to this, even after being exposed and one of her children having tested positive.) She had blood clots.

When you look up complications of Covid blood clots and stroke are some of the complications that have been noted in some patients. My Aunt’s fever spiked and she was non-responsive the other day and a new covid test was taken. She was positive still.

Covid kills! It kills the elderly, the immune compromised and even the young.

Wear a mask. Wash your hands. Stay home. Don’t gather for holidays!

Love, Peace and Light!

https://mycrazylife2go.com

Snow

Snow… I have a love hate relationship with it. I don’t miss it at all and you will see why when you read this.

I have been looking at people’s photos of snow today. Snow looks so clean and as long as one doesn’t have to drive on icy roads, it is beautiful.

Danny, Molly and Dinny playing in the snow. All have passed on and I no longer live in an area where it snows much.

I used to say all is white in the world when it snowed. As long as I didn’t have anywhere to go, I was okay. Now I prefer to see the snow from afar on the mountains from the Vegas valley.

That didn’t stop me from building a tiny snowman when we had a bit of snow last year in the valley.

Also, this year we traveled to visit our friends in Reno and took a day trip to Tahoe.

So, living in Vegas I really have the best of both worlds. We don’t have to deal with snow most of the time, but we are close enough to access it if we want it. Occasionally there are even snow machines to bring that Christmas magic.

In case I forget to say it.

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

https://mycrazylife2go.com

COPING WITH GRIEF DURING THE HOLIDAYS (In a Pandemic)

https://www.blessingmanifesting.com

This popped up in my Facebook memories from last year. It really helped me get through the holidays. I needed to see it today as I lost another friend. She was constantly encouraging me to write and just worrying about me. She was like a second mother in some ways. I know she is with her beloved Walter now and for that I am thankful.

This year I thought since many people are forgoing family get togethers that people may be experiencing grief of a different kind.

The stages of grief may apply this year. Indeed I have seen many of these stages on my Facebook wall.

Five stages of grief – Elisabeth Kübler-Ross:

  • 1 – Denial.
  • 2 – Anger.
  • 3 – Bargaining.
  • 4 – Depression.
  • 5 – Acceptance.

I want you all to know that what you’re feeling is normal. It’s part of being human. It’s okay to put yourself first. There is no reason to put yourself at risk, because someone else is making you feel guilty for not getting together. We only have to hold out a bit longer for the vaccine. Though I don’t think things will totally get back to normal right away, we can start doing more things without worrying about killing our loved ones or ourselves.

It’s okay to show your feelings! Remember I said your feelings are normal… you are also allowed to share them. Don’t bottle them up, but don’t forget others may have different feelings too and theirs are valid too. That doesn’t mean you have to give in. Just know their feelings are valid.

Try to remember that you love these people no matter what side of the covid debate you’re on. Hopefully once this is all over we can get together again without having lost anyone. I love Zoom and Houseparty. It’s a great way to connect without putting anyone at risk.

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

https://mycrazylife2go.com

Spreading Love, Peace and Light

I close with this all the time. I try to find it within me. I try, but not always successful, at putting it out in real life.

Unconditional Love

I am moody like most people. Hence I fail miserably. I need to start saying the Serenity Prayer when I am not having good days. This includes when my body is failing me, because it can make me moodier than I would be without that issue. Throw in the stress of everything going on around me and there has been so much going on to make us all on edge.

Covid lockdowns, stay at home orders and so many people without jobs during this time, not to mention those working… it has to be stressful going to work when everyone else has been told to stay home.

Then here in America the stress from the election. It’s divided friends and families. Definitely stressful no matter which side you’re on.

If I weren’t on anti-anxiety medication, I might be a nervous wreck at this point. Thank goodness that I asked my doctor for it.

So now I need to get back to all aspects of love, peace and light. I need to bring it into me, my life and put it out into the universe. It’s time to mend fences with those I may have alienated with my political views, though I truly tried to stay respectful and only objected when others name called or constantly bashed my views.

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

https://mycrazylife2go.com

Binge Watching Christmas Movies

Anyone else been spending their isolation time binge watching Christmas movies this month?

I usually do anyway, but this year my husband has joined me in some of the classics I enjoy. Like White Christmas and It’s a Wonderful Life. Tonight he put on a movie that I didn’t recall as being a Christmas movie, Meet Me In St. Louis. It only has Christmas at the end, but I’ve always enjoyed it. I mean who doesn’t love Judy Garland?

What is your favorite Christmas movie?

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

https://mycrazylife2go.com

Being a Woman

Being a woman is not for the faint of heart. We have to deal with a lot of stuff that men don’t.

BITMOJI

Not just the physical stuff, which would put men in bed for a week… but we have to prove ourselves.

When we are ambitious, we are called names. If we advance in our careers we are accused of sleeping our way to the top. Indeed there are times where we are told that if we want to advance we need to do that very thing.

We are called bitches while men are seen as go-getters. If we smile too much we are seen as pushovers, if we don’t smile we are seen as dragon ladies. We can’t win.

So when I see an article telling the future 1st lady to drop her earned title Dr. from her name, it makes me mad. Knowing that she went to school for years to earn her Doctorate has earned her the right to be called Dr. Jill Biden makes me proud. Some misogynistic man telling her drop it is a slap in the face to all women.

I leave you with Helen Reddy singing, I Am Woman.

https://mycrazylife2go.com

Breathing a Sigh of Relief

I will never be so glad to have an election over. I thought it was over on November 3… at least for me. Actually I voted early, so I thought I would feel this sense of relief on the 3rd. I didn’t!

Due to the record number of mail in votes we had to wait on the results. Fine, I understood. This year we were in the midst of a pandemic.

Finally, all states certified! We had a winner! Great, Right? Except the losing party wasn’t happy and sued the other one. This seemed so surreal… Like something that happens in other places, not in the United States of America.

We still have to wait for the Electoral College to officially declare the President. Hopefully, the go with the majority in their states.

Today I am breathing better. I feel like I have been holding my breath for over a month. Maybe 5 years.

I am looking forward to having a President and Vice-President who don’t bully and embarrass this country. Who look out for the people. Who already have done much to calm a frightened nation in the midst of a pandemic.

I realize that as frightened as I was 4 years ago, a little less than half the country is feeling the same. I am not sure why they are scared. My concerns were about human and environmental rights, but we survived for the most part.

For my part I intend to combat bullying by working with The You Will Rise Project once Covid is over in my city. I still need to work out details with the founder of it to start one here.

I will keep dialogue open with my Republican friends and family. I am married to a Republican and my entire family are Republicans, except perhaps the younger generation. This has always allowed me to look at both sides of the issues and to have discussions. It’s the people who want to shout and name call that I can’t get through to… They can’t get through to me that way either.

I hope now they will go into neutral corners for four years.

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

https://mycrazylife2go.com

Keeping My Sanity

I know I wrote that I have been okay staying home during this pandemic. That is true. I do have some things that I do that have helped me keep my spirits up… that prevent me from sinking into the depression and anxiety that are part of my normal life.

1. Fresh air- I try to walk daily. (I have been slacking lately, because I haven’t felt well.)

2. Weekly Houseparty meetings with friends. I look forward to talking to my friends from Zanesville, though two of us no longer live there.

3. Book club- a little over a year ago I joined Vicki Pettersson’s Literary Haberdashery and we have a weekly book club. I look forward to connecting to this fabulous group of people every week.

4. I belong to a Facebook support group, The Invisibles. The admin and members of this group help keep me sane, because they understand my physical challenges.

5. My pets are a true source of unconditional love. They are always here. I think if I didn’t have anything else they could carry me through.

6. This blog though I have slacked off. Reading others blogs which I haven’t slacked on.

7. Making plans for the future is keeping me grounded.

8. Hobbies have helped even though I am not the best on finishing before beginning the next project.

9. Medication- I asked my doctor for help when the anxiety was getting out of control. I am my best advocate.

10. My husband & brother- I am lucky that I don’t live alone. I can have conversations in person. My brother challenges me to look at both sides even when it makes me uncomfortable.

I hope this helps others.

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

https://mycrazylife2go.com