My Crazy Life

Final Countdown

It looks like I’ll be getting my hiatal hernia surgery after all. I just need to pass one more hurdle. EKG, Stress test to make sure my heart is up to the challenge.

In the meantime I’ve began Noom. And am down under 200 lbs. I slipped up a couple of days, but I’ll get back on track. Hopefully, I will keep losing on our upcoming cruise.

We’ve kept busy since my first appointment with the surgeon. I haven’t had time to worry about it.

We leave soon for the Mexican Riviera. Once back my stress test & EKG is scheduled. Once I get the go ahead I can schedule my surgery. I can’t wait. I will finally not choke because the food won’t go down. Though I will have to stretch the magnets from the Linx band slowly.

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

Stress & Chronic Illness

Am I Making It Worse?

One of the first things I learned after being diagnosed with Meniere’s was to recognize stress. I didn’t figure this out for myself. My doctor sent me to vestibular therapy.

My therapist exposed me to situations that triggered my vertigo. Moving traffic, ceiling fans, wonky wallpaper, tiles, etc. The initial stimulus increased my heart rate. My fight or flight mechanism kicked in. I really didn’t want to do it.

The more I desensitized myself the less my anxiety. In this case the stimuli caused the anxiety which made the dizziness worse.

The opposite is true as well. When I allowed stress to rule my life my vertigo worsened. It’s not always possible to avoid stressful situations, but there are things you can do to stop it.

Meditation is overall the best way to be mindful of things that cause me stress. The more I meditate the more I remain at peace. I have gotten away from this lately.
Grounding helps in the moment of panic. Locate something to touch, taste, smell and hear. I find this gets me out of my head.
Breath- pay attention to your breathing. You can slow it down by taking deep breaths and releasing it slowly.
Mantra- have a mantra that you can say to yourself or aloud. I repeat the Serenity Prayer when I feel stressed.

There are many other ways that you can reduce stress or the severity of a panic attack, these are just what I have found that works for me.

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

Weekend Getaway

Recharge in Sedona this weekend for our friend, Joie’s birthday. People travel to this magical place of vortexes for many reasons. Whether or not you’re tuned into the energies in this area, the scenery is breathtaking.

I am glad we took this trip. I feel more relaxed. Except for those people who invaded my space to take pictures. (They backed into me and didn’t react when I said someone is already standing here.) I had to move.

Still the trip has been amazing and I can see myself living here.

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

Happy Holidays

While we celebrate a major holiday today, remember that there are people who have a hard time during the holidays. I wrote a poem a few years back when I was in a depression that I want to share. You are not alone.

Is Anyone Listening?

I am screaming, but no one hears!

Tears roll down my face, but no one sees!

Do I have a voice?
Am I invisible?

Why are my desires less than yours? I have given all I can. There isn’t anymore. I feel empty. I feel drained.

I am no longer able to give. I feel like I am drowning in my pain and no one sees.

I am choking.
I can’t breathe.
I think I am dying a slow death. This must be what death feels like. No that’s not right. Death is a release from this pain.

I am tired of fighting through the fog. Though I know it’s only temporary. I am just wondering why you don’t see me?

It makes me wonder if I miss others pain. Does it make us uncomfortable? Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you feel as helpless as I do when I get into this hopeless state?

The next time you see me. Put your arms around me. Believe me all I need to know is that I am still here.

Depression is not easy to live with. I imagine it’s harder to see, but please don’t ignore it. I don’t want to disappear. I feel as if I have disappeared. -Rita L Smith

Let your loved ones know you are there for them. Smile at strangers. Just a small acknowledgment can change someone’s day.

Love, Peace, Light and Happy Holidays from Ralph and me.

Introvert

It dawns on me that if I didn’t have Ralph around to get me out of the house, I might never leave it.

I never thought of myself as an introvert, until the World paused for the pandemic. I was perfectly happy at home. Enjoying meeting with my friends and fellow writers on Zoom or HouseParty.

It never dawned on me how drained I get after interacting with people in person, until things opened up again. I am certain that if I had the necessities I could stay in my corner of the world without any problems. Shelter, food, internet, my computer and fresh air along with my husband and pets are all I really need.

I look back on my life and realize that I’ve always had to push myself to get out to do things. Being an social introvert with anxiety makes it hard, but I overcame all obstacles. Sometimes on my own, but more often than not with the help of someone.

Unfortunately, the pandemic allowed me to be the real me. Now being social drains me. Even just going to church is a challenge. It’s a challenge that I don’t always make.

I feel as if I’m whining to you all. Believe me that I am just sharing what I learned about myself. Who knew that this old lady could still learn about myself?

Love, Peace and Light!

Hearing

My hearing goes in and out. And unless you look at me and I can see your lips move, I may not understand. If I ask you to repeat it’s because I didn’t hear you the first time or the second time, etc. If I still don’t understand what you said you may get a hmm. I am done asking.

If you find my constant requests to repeat what you said annoying, think how frustrating it is for me. I hate feeling less because I cannot hear someone. If you get upset it makes me feel bad and I will shut down.

On the other hand I also have hyperacusis. Hyperacusis is a disorder in loudness perception. Simply put some sounds hurt my ears, like most Mariah Carey songs, except that Christmas one. In part I can control it through breathing exercises. At least if it’s anxiety related. Ear plugs help cut down on the pain and also make it easier to enjoy concerts and even flying.

We all find things that work for us. I prefer the sound turned down, while my husband likes it loud. We have to compromise. It’s not good to fight over the remote.

In restaurants I tend to sit in the middle so I can hopefully hear the conversations going on around me. I think that’s why I like round tables so everybody can have the same conversation.

How do you cope with your hearing loss?

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

Be Kind

This time of the year is hard on many people, myself included. It doesn’t matter how much time has gone nor that I found love again. Kenneth Smith’s leukemia diagnosis came on December 10 and he died 10 days later, 5 days before Christmas. It makes Christmas one of the hardest holidays for me. Hard to believe it’s been 10 years since he left this world. I miss him, my parents and my friends who’ve passed on.

Remember a little kindness goes a long way. Smile at strangers, let that person with one item go before you, if you see someone struggling help them. The holidays bring out the good in people, but it’s also depressing for others. Try not to make it harder.

I decorate to try to bring myself a little of that old magic I used to feel. It’s hard to be around others when depression hits. Putting on my mask and being cheerful is hard work.

So when you are around others try to remember things may not be as they appear. If you find yourself struggling call someone. Believe me when I say that the world would be dimmer without you. Your presence would be missed. In the states you can call 988 if you’re struggling. I am always there to listen.

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

A Good Day

Actually I’ve had several days of feeling okay. But what does a good health day look like or feel like?

The general dizziness that plagued me for what seems like months is gone. I still get little bouts of vertigo. And yesterday I had a bigger bout which I managed to control with a Valium that knocked me out.

I am weird and it only knocked me out for about an hour give or take. When I woke up my head felt much better. I wrote with my peeps from the House of Ink. Watched some tv with my hubby. Went to see Hamilton and came home to watch the World Series. The end of which I watched in bed. I was exhausted. But our Astros won so all is good. I even made chili in the crockpot which was awaiting us on our return from the matinee.

Even on good days like yesterday I had vertigo, balance problems along with the usual aches and pains of fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis. Unless the pain is unbearable I ignore it. What else can I do if I want to enjoy my life?

That is what a good day looks like. I am not 100% healthy and don’t try to overdo things, well except for Disneyland… (If we go again I may get a wheelchair.) I did overdo that 2 weeks ago, but I knew the consequences. I simply have to ask myself “Is it worth it?” If the answer is yes, then I will take the down time the following days.

Despite the vertigo, I feel better lately. And that for me is a win. The fact that I haven’t had a vertigo attack that lasts for 12 hours is a plus. Hopefully I am past that stage. Live on the good days and rest on the bad days.

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

A Good Day

Actually I’ve had several days of feeling okay. But what does a good health day look like or feel like?

Love, Peace and Light! Rita

Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a whole syndrome of symptoms. It is characterized by pain.

The Mayo Clinic says the symptoms are:

Widespread pain. The pain associated with fibromyalgia often is described as a constant dull ache that has lasted for at least three months. To be considered widespread, the pain must occur on both sides of your body and above and below your waist.
Fatigue. People with fibromyalgia often awaken tired, even though they report sleeping for long periods of time. Sleep is often disrupted by pain, and many patients with fibromyalgia have other sleep disorders, such as restless legs syndrome and sleep apnea.
Cognitive difficulties. A symptom commonly referred to as “fibro fog” impairs the ability to focus, pay attention and concentrate on mental tasks.

Fibromyalgia often co-exists with other conditions, such as:

Irritable bowel syndrome
Chronic fatigue syndrome
Migraine and other types of headaches
Interstitial cystitis or painful bladder syndrome
Temporomandibular joint disorders
Anxiety
Depression
Postural tachycardia syndrome

When mine was at its peak I felt like I had the flu. My tag line was I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Though I get flares now and then, I had forgotten that it made me feel like I had the flu. After a fun day at Disneyland, I woke Sunday feeling like I had the flu. I wanted to cut my entire head off. But with encouragement from my husband I dragged myself out of bed, took a shower so we could go to California Adventure. The more I moved, the less that flu feeling bothered me.

A smile hides the pain. My legs on other hand are still sore today. But I had fun. That’s the important thing. It’s a trade off. I will relax as much as possible now that I am back home.

I think this picture from the Incredicoaster is the most accurate about how I felt. I tend to hide this most of the time. This look was definitely from being slammed by the roller coaster, but fibromyalgia makes me feel much the same.

Love, Peace and Light! Rita